It's my Friday. It always feels good walking out of work knowing it was my last day of my work week. I love my Monday and Tuesday off days. At the same time I dread everyday. I am not doing well with time of any sort. I see the clock and dont know how Im going to make it through "x many more hours" b/p free. Im honestly thinking I might need to just avoid looking at clocks but that is damn near impossible with the amount of times I look at my phone when receiving a text or call. I also have my "to-do" list on there, as well as other lists. I have random reminders here and there that alert me. I guess another good idea, so that I wouldnt have to think about hunger or fullness and times to eat, is to take a treatment approach since I am having trouble with it. After I eat breakfast, I could set up time intervals on my phone to alert me when it is the next scheduled time. I spend so much time calculating in my head when I ate, how many more hours are in the day, how I should spread my meals out in those hours, what Im going to eat, am I hungry, am I still full? If I was in treatment, none of those questions would really matter because when it is time to eat, I had to eat. If I am full, I am unable to know if it is purely physical or if emotions is playing a role and the same goes for hunger.

As nice as having days off of work is, I also dread it because of the impending doom of the b/p that is laying over my head. Im meeting with Sam tomorrow for coffee and yoga. This is turning into our Monday morning routine. It is cute. Annie teaches tomorrow. I mostly only go to her classes but will go to someone else's when Annie's does not fit into my day's events. Michelle is in class until 4 and is then coming over and we are heading to Macy's at the Nicollet Mall to see the Christmas display: A Day in the Life of an Elf. Im assuming, if she has no plans, we will stay around there for a while. Nicollet mall has a lot of shops as well as entertainment and dining.

I feel like I am really establishing my life up here in the cities, finally. Over the past few years I have done so much bouncing around, moving from place to place, treatment center to treatment center, boyfriend to boyfriend, friends to friends. Now however, I feel some sense of stability. Of course, I would love to have more. I know that would come with eliminating the b/p cycle. That is what makes me feel the most unsettled. However, finally, all of MY life is in one area. I have great friends all within 10/15 minutes of me, all of my mail and accounts are officially this address (for a long time I had to keep them as my parents' address because I was bouncing around so much and going into treatments so often), I am a face at the gym and yoga (esp yoga), I have my coffee shop that I frequent and hold conversations with my favorite baristas, I talk to the managers at Rainbow when I go get groceries and compliment them on their friendly service, my treatment team is within 10 minutes of driving, my friends and I have our weekly traditions and we all freak out to classic rock, I work 10 minutes away from my house...the one thing throwing off my zen is the eating disorder. I know this, it is no shock to me and I can say that i am ready to let go and I am just going to deal with those feelings. I am not dense. It is and is not that simple.

Transitioning, I am officially beginning CBT-E (Enhanced Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) on Tuesday when I meet with Laura. I have been told I am going to want to quit, I am going to want to run away and avoid therapy. I have been told it is a very hard process and most clients hate it because of the in depth look at what is going on to create these thought processes. It is a very linear therapy. I did this, I was here, I thought this. The patterns are tracked. On top of it being hard, I have the most loving/harsh hardass therapist of all time in the history of ever. I am ready for this. I am excited for this. I am scared as heck for this.

Things that will be different:
-I will not see Hilary (OT) or Sarah (RD) while I am in CBT-E (20-40 sessions of CBT-E)
-I will see Laura 2x/wk
-I will practice normal eating and not be on a meal plan
-I will be weighed before my appointment with Laura and she will tell me my weight and we will talk about it, right there, in the moment
-I will graph my weight with Laura so that I can see the trend. If it goes up, I am possibly emotionally eating(I mean, I guess if i am eating and then b/ping possibly too), if it goes down, I am most likely b/ping or emotionally restricting out of fear. My restriction is out of fear, my b/ping is out of anxiety (usually).
-I will have food/thoughts records. On these sheets I will write down the time, where I was, what I ate, any bx used and the thoughts. This is one of the most dreaded aspects of CBT-E. I will have to focus on my feelings/thoughts immediately following eating. These need to be done in real time (also realistically what is doable) so the thought patterns recorded are most accurate.

It should be (a good) intense.

To Do List for Monday and Tuesday
-laundry
-wash sheets and comfortor
-clean kitchen
-go to library and get books (and pay fines-lame)
-deposit check
-fill up with gas

AWESOME sessions today. I saw Hilary for the last time as I will be starting CBT-e next week. Im nervous. She said I will want to quit. I will want to throw in the towel but I wont.  Session with my RD--awesome. She gave me some pretty solid proof on how about 40% of what you consume in a binge is actually purged. I never, ever believed this. I would laugh in the RDs faces. I was losing. However, for about 3 years as a reallly restrictive b/p'er, I only got down to a weight of 110. If I had been heavily restricting and that is all, I would have gotten much lower. Apparently there is a sphincter at the bottom of the stomach, and it stays open until food begins to pass through, so before you even count the food breaking down as you eat it, some passes into your small intestine and begins to digest. Along with that happening, the other foods consumed are breaking down in your stomach. She also calculated then that a 2000 binge results in 800 calories purged. That means that if i removed one binge I would have those extra 1200 calories to eat in a day and maintain the same weight. I usually b/p twice a day and that adds to 2400 calories which makes sense why I am maintaining slightly under my goal range right now. I know I usually eat 2700ish when I follow a meal plan. Aha--makes sense and actually really motivates me. I thought about it after I ate about 1.5 breads in binge mode after lunch and stopped myself and walked upstairs knowing that it all fits and Im okay with that little bit extra. Loving the new found freedom I am finding with treatment at Melrose.

Today has been marvelous. I went to my appts at 9 and then met Sam for coffee. The heat was out at Caribou but we still stayed there as the beautiful barista was working. We split ways as I was on my way to yoga. She texted asking me to come to Vinyasa 2 with her and I was already there :) We went to Annies yoga (shes back from AZ workshop!!!!) and then went our separate ways. I love Sam :)

The rest of the day looks good. I love my two days off. Im going to go to the store and get groceries to make more substantial meals (and not just rice and tuna or sandwiches) because I know I need those otherwise I will be hungry and have an unsatisfied palate. I am going to come back and make my butternut apple soup, take Sam some and then head to Meghans for pasta dinner with homemade sauce :) Then we are going to make Christmas crafts and cards.

My new life is coming to shape up :) I love my life in MN even with the temp being -3. Who cares, the sun is out!

What a day...I woke up and the blizzard was most definitely here. I still managed to bundle up, get out of my complex and go to the gym. I had bfast there which helped me keep it. I did 20min on the stairs and the 75min yoga. Upon walking out of yoga, the manager of the gym announced they would be closing at 3 and that all plows were pulled off the road. I tried to make it to the grocery store. Couldnt. Tried to stop at Panera or Caribou and dish out the extra $$ for food. Couldnt. I came home and resorted to rice, bean and veggies. All.damn.day. Yuck. So sick of beans. So is my digestive system. I dont know why I "need" a b/p at night. In my head I hear, "I need it i need it i need it i need it."  What the heck am I really needing? I did keep bf, lunch, snack, dinner today.

Upon arriving home from the gym I could not get into my complex. The plow had blocked the drive with snow. I had to park on the road and tend to it later. I made it in finally and had to shovel 14 inches of snow to create a parking space for me because the drifts were huge.

I had such a lazy day. Laundry, cleaning hallways and toilets, internet, read...boring as heck.

My bmi right now is ~19.3-19.6. Sweet. Fuck.

Logically, I know that is not high. Looking in the mirror, it is high. Feeling the back fat, it is high. The stomach roll, it is high. The ass/saddlebags, it is high. HIGH high HIGH. I am getting REALLY frustrated. Why can I not drop below where I am sitting. I am the EXACT same place I was a month ago, and the reason why it is hard is because I am doing many of the same behaviors I did when I was about 10-15 pounds lighter than this. I know I dont need to lose, but if I dont need to lose I do need to lose fat/build muscle. i know I have more muscle than I did last year at this time, so that might add to about 1lb increase in weight. I have this bulge on my sides/back that is a muffintopish thing. I cannot stand it and I can never get rid of it no matter what I do. Now that I think of it, it was there at my lowest weight...

Im so boring.

I am on this cooked rice and veggie kick. I want to make everything with rice and veggies. Even if I bp, I want fruits and veggies. Bizarre-o.

Work was good. I like work. One client frustrates me but I just practice patience and he also needs to learn how to do that. I am not sure how to communicate it to him because he takes offense easily.

I wanted to work out after work. I was going to bike on the bike at work since it was about 915 and I had everything done. I decided to rest because I had been out of breath from doing, well, nothing. I laid down and was determined to go after work. I left work at 10, had to stop by Walgreens to get some pictures I had developed for Christmas and got a 0 calorie rehydrate drink (basically a diet powerade) and was convinced what a healthy person I was for drinking that to replace...everything else? Doesnt work that way J. I walked out to my car, out of breath again, legs burning. I drove to the gym, pulled in the parking spot and stood up to ge tmy bag and realized there was no way I would be able to do it. If I did, it would only be satisfying the voices in my head. Nothing worth while would have came from that work out. I would have burned probably 50 calories.

I do have to question myself on one thing though. If I do not have the energy to go to the gym and workout for a moderate half hour, how do I have the energy to vomit forcefully?

Im in a great mood after leaving work so pissed off. Working out while I was angry helped.

background
-PJ went out Tuesday with Kevin, Matt and Dana. I didnt feel well and Naadia was taking foretver to shower so I stayed in.
-I started to feel uncomfortable with her being there with him. I was sad I couldnt be there. with him.
-I also decided earlier that night I need to stop being around him so much. his mixed signals were fucking with my head.
-Kevin wants to be with me. Im not stupid. He wont let himself which I understand.
-Kevin sensed something was up with me when out of nowhere PJ decided she should maybe leave. (I told her to stay there--she is just THAT good of a friend)

The following day I went to message Kevin to see if we could meet up and talk. I wanted to let him know that I do know things are over between us and that I do not deserve the mixed signals he was sending me. As I went to msg him, I noticed he had removed me from his BBM. I go to Facebook and he has blocked me. A knife twisted inside my gut. I felt as though I had been punched. I didnt want to lose him again and at the same time I knew I couldnt have him in my life. it is not mentally healthy for me because I want him so badly and he is so many kinds of wrong for me.

I assumed the worst. PJ wasnt telling me much. I am not sure what exactly happened. After my workout I thought back to words I had spoke to myself earlier in my life, "I will never let a man come between me and a good friend." I was doing that. I was blaming PJ for Kevin removing me from his life and even though she was involved, she didnt have much to do with it. After a lot of silence, she finally told me the whole story which wasnt much and I am still unsure if it is the whole story.

I was at Kevin and Matts and since you were getting a bit uncomfortable I decided to leave because I didnt really want to go bowling anyway. we were supposed to go to Bucko. I went to the foyer and was putting my shoes on. Kevin asked me where I was going and I told him, "home." He then asked if you were tripping and I said, "yeah, sort of." He nodded and walked away and was quiet the rest of the night.

After thinking about it, if Kevin did see my texts with the possibility of him reading PJ's phone (while she was sleeping), he would have seen some that I am not happy about, but some of them he needed to see. I had told PJ that it hurts to be with him. I want him and I know I cannot be with him. I spoke of his mixed signals and how unfair it is to me. I said it is hard because I had finally been okay being with him (even though it was hard at times) and then he throws all of those signals at me.  Knowing Kevin, this is what I honestly think. I really believe if he did see those texts, or even if Pj told him how I felt, he "deleted me" because he has respect. He knows me and he knows that for me, in this case, the all-or-nothing is all that is going to work. He also knows that I will not delete him out of my life. He has to do it in this case. I really believe this is the case. The way Pj explained him looking at her and nodding, closing his eyes and clenching his jaw..I know that look and I know what it would mean if it is what I am picturing.

I am at peace. It feels good to have him gone. Yes, it hurts like a mother. It sure does. I love that kid. Adore his personality. He just...rocks. He cannot be in my life. God has a strange way of working things out. I wanted Kevin to be with me and be the one for me and he is not. I know that and I KNEW that.

Wow, talk about being in a mood yesterday. Isolation and symptom use really took a toll on me. Today I woke up, ate a Clif bar and a yogurt and headed to yoga. I set my intention for my practice (releasing my ED thoughts and acts) and mood improved. I did 20 min on the stepper afterward. 

I decided with Kevin, I need to have a talk. Im actually not worried he will say it is over between us. That I know and I am actually at peace with. I need to stand up for myself. I need to tell him he cannot send me mixed signals. It is not fair for me. I am going to contact him but Im unsure if I should call and ask him to meet up or if a text is okay. Any suggestions?

Appt at 1, work 2-10.

Wow. My roommate sucks. She is going on a forty fucking five minute shower. WTF?! I was tempted to go to the gym to shower. Just shower. I want to jump in my other roommates private shower but I have not received word from her so I dont want to just use it. I mean seriously? Maybe you should shower more than twice a week and you wouldnt need to take so long. If I even get in there and her fucking pubes and nasty hair is everywhere I WILL freak and ask her to clean it out. I was suppose to leave already and she is still in the shower. Do I even go or just stay home? I dont even know what the point is now.

I have done nothing today because I am a lazy piece of shit. Yes, NOTHING.

I will be working out the next 5 days in a row to make up for this jelly that has accumulated around my ass and waist.

What am I doing? I waste my life away. I spend my $ and throw it up into the toilet. The sun is shining. I have a job I like. I have amazing friends. I laugh. My family rocks. I am blessed with an amazing team. My body is pretty healthy. I have a membership to a great gym. I live in MN in all of it's beauty.

I have a lot of good in my life yet I continue to keep it bad. I keep the bad in it. The toxic. and the depressing. I know how using my ED will make me feel yet I continue to do it. What is it I am looking for in reality?? Many times when I have urges, I put off using skills I have to get through it because in my head I am saying, "I dont want anything to work though,' because I want to use symptoms. I dont really though. So what is it I am looking for???

I miss my family. Working the weekends is hard because I do not get to see them. If I worked the morning it would be easier as I could meet them for dinner or movie. I work 2-10 though so that leaves me with nothing. My family mom doesn't get out of the house that early. I have my cousin's wedding this weekend and I will get to see them there.  Im really excited. Sadly, I dont have a new dress to wear. I cannot fathom spending money right now. I spend too much on food the way it is.

Im so tired lately. I dont understand why. I am not underweight so that cannot be it. I woke up at 930ish and its 1130. I already want to take a nap. I also want to get in bed by midnight this week. Seeing as though I work until 10pm, Ive been getting to bed later and later. I am a morning person and if I could have my day, go to work, and use an hour to wind down after work, that would be ideal.

Plans today:
-gym
-hang w/Pj
-coffee w/girls
-SD mall to look at Bare Essentials w/Pj
-Bucko

HAPPY BIRTHDAY floravin  :)

Have you LISTENED TO IT?!?! Gets me hot.